call waiting.

For most of us, we spend our lives wondering what our calling is. Throughout my life, I've wanted to be a million different things. Musician, Veternarian, Hair Dresser, Stylist, Web Designer.. just to name a few.
2006 was a big year for me. I gave birth to my oldest daughter, E., and also my husband bought me my first DSLR. I was in love with both. I had been in church for a while; my husband and I both started going regularly after E. was born. We were very close to our Pastor and his wife and he saw that I had a knack for most creative things. Eventually, he helped me open a photography studio. Everyone told me how great it was, that I had found my calling. This is definitely what I had been called to do. And so young; oh you are so blessed.
After a couple of months sitting inside my studio messing around with lights and spending HOURS on photoshop I started to feel my insides getting tight. This was not my calling. My mind started to race, "This has to be your calling. Everyone says so. They know what they're talking about." I started telling myself these things. I'm so blessed. This is my calling. But deep down I knew it was not.
After about a year of nonstop working, I sunk down into the deepest depression I have ever experienced. I stopped answering phones. I didn't go to work. I didn't take E to daycare. I just sat in my house in a big black funk. It was during those months that I started to realize just what my calling actually was.
When we had first opened the studio, two ladies that I was very close with had come to me and said, "You're going to have to change the way you look. When you're selling something, appearance is key." They also told me, "E is not allowed in the studio. You take her to the daycare when you go to work." When I look back I think to myself, "How could I allow these people to dictate how I look and how I treat my own child?" All I can say is that I had complete trust in them at that time, that I thought they knew what was best for me and my family. (ugh) Hindsight is always 20/20.
In some ways, I attribute my low self-esteem to being told to change who I was in order to be successful. E was two, but I still hadn't lost my baby weight. My husband and I were by no means poor, but we weren't wealthy. E never went without, but I definately couldn't afford to go to Anthropologie and shop like my lady friends could. I was depressed because I never felt good enough. It seemed to me, that my thoughts and feelings were secondary to the vision they had for me. What about God's vision? I felt like they wanted the work. But they didn't want me. That my family and I were a project for them to say, "Look, we're helping this young family. Aren't we great?" I remember one day sitting in our Pastor's office talking with him and our accountant. I was about to leave when he says, "Oh yeah, take a look at this!" He hands me a pamphlet. I don't remember what it looked like, or exactly what it said. All I remember is the anger I felt when I saw his photo beside a paragraph about what he's doing for our community by helping this poor, young couple who couldn't make ends meet by helping them open their own business. I don't remember being asked for permission. I was so angry, and confused.Shouldn't I be happy that someone wants to help us? I started to feel like there was definitely a hook somewhere in this charity case.
I slipped into my hole shortly after this. I stayed at home with E 24/7. I started to realize that while I was working a job that only paid compliments (no actual money. it all went to the bills/church), I was sorely missing out on all of E's milestones. I was not there the first time she crawled or walked. I missed her first words. I was so bitter about "finding my calling", that I had failed to realize what my actual calling was.

being a mother.

I was about to miss it. Elsie was three. What had I been doing with my time? Wasting it. Hating my job. Spending time with people who didn't appreciate who I was. They were trying to mold me into something I was not. None of them had kids, how could I expect them to understand that EVERYTHING changes when you become a parent? All of this time, the only thing I had truly wanted was to be with my beautiful, smart, creative little flower who loved me and accepted me as I was. She more than accepted me, she adored me. I was her role model and what kind of example was I setting? To be unhappy with your life? Other people who want to use you come before the people you love?
I had spent so much time photographing people in my studio and photographing church functions. I totally emmersed myself in this lie. I thought it could make me happy, but from day one I knew that it wasn't my calling. Deep down, I did. I tried to ignore that little voice because I wanted my community and these people that I abhor to like me, to accept me. I thought that if they accepted me into their circles that I would be happy. How could I have overlooked my love and happiness sleeping in the next room in her toddler bed?

The best decision I have ever made was becoming to be a stay at home mom. It's true. I'm not going to pretend like every day is perfect. Some days are more challenging than others, especially now that we have two little flowers. But every night when it's time for bed, I thank God that I have finally found my true calling.It's in those little moments where my children tell me they love me without words. A look, a touch, or a laugh is all the reassurance that I need. It's like Oprah said, "There is no greater calling on earth than to be the life-guide, the teacher, the nurturer, the supporter, & the caregiver of a young life."